I Passed....but The Bar Exam is Still a Bitch

Let it Be.....for Beatles and Bar-takers.....

2007-05-06T09:17:00.000-04:00

Nope, I haven't dropped off the face of the earth....I've bought an adorable little dollhouse of a condo in Virginia.....I'm still living between houses that are about 2 hours and 2 states apart until the closing mid May.....I'm loving my new job and the security that flows with having a little bit of money again....

I'm trying to cope with the knowledge that a man I am absolutely mad about is leaving for the west coast and then the "war" that supposedly isn't for a whopping 16 months....I might also mention that he isn't "madly in love with me" and I do quote......and my mother is ill....so much so that she might not make it through this time....

I know that so many of the people who visit my site are here looking for consolation....something to hold onto.....just so you know, I sometimes come here for the same reason.....

While I was studying / flunking the bar exam perpetually the thing I struggled with most was learning how to just be.....and I do mean that in the most Buddhist-zen sense......it is really something to try and understand how to be in only the moment you're facing....not the moments behind you regret and not the ones ahead you fear.....

I am looking at a lot of be-ing right now.....those of you gearing up for summer, like me, have to try and focus on only the day at hand.....I want to remind every one of you that you are stronger than you think.....

Unreasonable people rule the world

2007-04-14T22:19:00.000-04:00

Wow.....what an outpouring.....I am so touched....really you have no idea.....there were over 500 congrats since my last posting, and thanks from the bottom of my heart to every one of you who cared about my ongoing bar drama, even though I can't possibly post them all.....I had no idea so many people had a vested interest in me passing the bar (finally).....

I'd like to write a little tonight about being "unreasonable" .....I have to tell you, so many important people in my life doubted me during this retaking process.....my family at times, my friends, coworkers......it just seemed unrealistic to most people that I would ever pass if I hadn't passed when I'd already taken three and then four shots at this thing.....and I'm not knocking any of them for thinking that way....some of them wanted to save me the grief that is so much a part of not making it, again and again.....I can't count how many times someone told me....don't try again...don't put yourself through it.....

Really though, their responses are reflective of a very common aspect of human nature, if we're honest enough to realize it....most of us are just not fighters....if it gets hard enough, we quit......if someone tells us we suck and won't make it.....we believe them.....if a highly respected group of bar examiners tells us we don't understand enough law to pass their damnable test......we might just think they're right......

I'm not trying to point out what a serious bad ass I am.....I had no idea what kind of capacity I had to slug it out until this thing happened to me.....I didn't know I had it in me to keep on when it looked pretty dumb to keep trying.....what I found amidst all this failure was belief in myself....and that my lovies is the magic bullet for passing the bar.....I learned how to be honest enough with myself to say, "I didn't prepare enough for the first test and that's why I failed"....and subsequently I learned after the tests that followed to say, "I put in the requisite amount of study and I know my answers were sufficient to pass....I don't understand why I haven't passed, but it isn't because I don't know enough law to pass a test that is supposed to test minimum competency....."

Honestly....it is my certain belief that something is amiss with the examining going on here in NC....I understand that the Feb passage rate here in NC was hovering around the 30's.....I find that outrageous.....having taken so many exams in this state, I can say they seem to be more about limiting admittance than they do about testing for broad based legal competence.....I'm also interested in the fact that as more people apply to take the test (every cycle has produced "record numbers" here in NC)....fewer and fewer are passing.....I encourage everyone to take a hard look at their own state and remember that the guardians of the gate have a vested economic interest in not admitting too many lawyers to practice......also remember that a lot of us who fail the bar simply don't try again....

Bar study will continue business as usual, since I have absolutely zero desire to practice in NC....I think every one probably knows NC has been more of a personal vendetta than anything.....

For those who may be looking for a reason to not quit.....I hope my story provides it for you.....you are the only person who knows what is reasonable.....whether you've spent the time and whether you know the law.....don't let anyone or any bar exam convince you to give up on yourself....

Drum Roll Please......

2007-04-07T10:41:00.000-04:00

Well...I finally got to see what the passing letter looks like....if you can believe it, after an overwhelming 4 failing attempts, the bar bitch passed on try number 5....after all the grief and self-doubt, the moment is finally here....am I excited? Don't know yet, I'm still numb...hoping they don't send a letter saying it was a mistake....

In an extremely ironic twist of fate.....I accepted an awesome job for a national title company two weeks ago....only problem is that I uh...downplayed my legal education, (uh yeah, I'm not proud of it, but the job was fantastic and I got freakin sick of hearing how "overqualified" I was b/c of the law degree...) so now, if I want to keep this fabulous job in VA....where they are all psyched for me to take the VA Bar, to the tune of paying for the bad boy....I can't even mention that I'm officially a NC lawyer...oh the tangled web we weave...

While I am thrilled, I'm still feeling strangely angry....I still feel disgusted over the whole process....after the amazing amount of time I've devoted to this endeavor, I can honestly say I think there is absolutely something going on that is highly questionable with the NC Bar, (in fairness this last test is the worst set of essays I've ever put out, bar none... I know that for certain, I have no idea who the hell is grading these things, and what they are using a standard, but I think its whacked)....

I'm hoping that all of you got the news you were hoping for....retakers especially.....

A Bar Bitch in Need......

2007-03-17T09:53:00.000-04:00

Well.....I have been doing ongoing job searching while debating which bar to tackle next....I'm swinging back and forth, back and forth over DC or VA....

I've been asked back for what looks like a fourth and final interview with a galactic superpower of a firm in VA for a land acquisition team who doesn't seem to mind my JD status and loves the fact I can really read a survey (who knew?) .....so I'm leaning in the VA direction.....which means I'm going to be in need of advice on the VA exam....and will be needing VA review materials.....hit me up people and make me some offers eh?

Touchy since you Flunked?

2007-03-13T13:45:00.000-04:00

Dear Bar Bitch,

Before I failed the bar, I was one of those people that others had the burden of disproving whether they were right or wrong on a given subject.

Now, I feel as if my credibility has been shot, and I can't tell if people have become more comfortable challenging me, now placing the burden on me, or I've simply become more defensive.

This seems to be a real problem (perhaps just in my head), as it was a significant part of my personality before (perhaps this was a bad thing?).

I don't think one realizes how much his/her ability to get things done rests on other's faith in them until something like this happens.

Certainly, I didn't have all the answers before, but having others think that you do definitely gets you a lot of traction. Any thoughts? I know this seems rather heady.

This letter was appealing to me for a few reasons....I think it's pretty reflective of the "crisis of faith" most of us go through once we've failed the bar....I also liked it because I thought the writer was pretty damned candid....introspection is difficult, as is honest self appraisal....since I think most of us go through something that feels very much like what this guy is facing (and admitting) I thought it may appeal to the masses as well....

The beauty of being able to say you're in law school.....and later saying that you have a law degree....and then having passed the bar is a whole hell of a lot of external validation.....and don't we all love that? And why not? People will assume you are a smart little fucker before you even open your mouth....just as they will assume you are a bottom dweller who wants to sue the entire free entire free world to line your pockets and figure you are morally bankrupt as well....that is what a lawyer does best right?

I don't need to convice people I'm intelligent, and neither should you, your intellect will likely shine through every time you open your mouth and also in knowing when to keep it shut....if they feel more comfortable challenging me because I haven't been admitted to the bar yet....well so be it....the fact that I haven't suceeded yet can hardly erase all the sucess I've enjoyed up to this point....it doesn't change the fact that I am still am bright, capable and a good debater....

Passing the bar will will mean nothing if we have no faith in our selves prior to that point......if you feel worthless without that validation of your ability, there is some serious trouble I suspect......I guess what I'm saying here is that none of has all the answers....and it's always ok to be honest enough to own up to that.....some of the most intelligent people I know are comfortable saying, I don't know the answer, but I can find out for you....

Conspiracy Anyone?

2007-03-08T09:34:00.000-05:00

An ah ha moment! If you can believe it, the bar actually sat this guy across from me during the test....a patent attorney from DC who also has taken the NC bar three times and still not passed was on his left....I met the DC guy at my second test and we've been friends since.....I'm putting the link on for those of you who may be interested....do I buy into conspiracy theories? Not sure yet....but hell yeah I'm interested, this guy has a story that sounds exactly like mine..... www.statebarwatch.net

For the little pricks who wish they were bigger....

2007-03-05T10:48:00.000-05:00

I do not often lose my temper....it really just isn't in my nature....frankly I think it reflects more on me and my lack of character than whoever / whatever it is that has just pushed me over the edge, and usually I'm over it by the next day anyway....but today people....today is a day that I am giving myself permission....

To the Sanctimonious Little Prick who took the time to swing by the blog and let me know he was certain the law examiners didn't write a crim law question without crimes or a professional conduct question without violations, if you didn't actually sit in NC and read the questions yourself, spare me your smug pecksniffian bullshit and unsupported legal analysis huh?

As always I have this to say....there is a very special place waiting for those of you out there who delight in the misfortunes of others....very, very, very bad karma......

Was that really a bar exam?

2007-03-03T12:35:00.000-05:00

Everybody who knows me knows I am not at all one for post-mortem on the exams....but really......WTF was that NC essay test supposed to be?!!!!!! Honest to god? The professional conduct question had no conduct violations....the crim law question had no crimes...family law with a yes / no response.....oh yes.....and the con law question.....involuntary-freaking-servitude.....uh-huh......

yeah....I'm going to go ahead and say I felt a little bitter, a little confused and a little angry about it all....all that preparation and really it helped not one little iota....how do you respond intelligently entirely in the negative...first rule of essays is not to assume facts that aren't in the pattern right? A hard test wouldn't have upset me...but this one....I tell you, it was just freaking weird....

On a chipper note....thought the MBE was pretty freaking lame this go round.....spanked it in record time......

I'd like to thank the Academy...and ask if the Bar is ready for Another Bitch Slap?

2007-02-22T17:47:00.001-05:00

The time is almost here for us to us retakers to go and do what we retakers do best: re-take....I want to thank every person from the bottom of my heart who ever logged onto my site and said...hey bar bitch...you aren't alone....I failed the bar too.....I have found so much comfort in not being miserable alone...but more so in just not being miserable any more....

I especially want to thank all those people who have stopped by to say...hey bar bitch, I failed the bar, but eventually I passed, and so can you and everybody else ....it is due in large part to those awe inspiring people that I haven't lost heart during this seemingly endless and on some days gut wrcnching endeavor (yeah I know....spare you the drama)

I'm so inspired these days...I'm feeling up to a little friendly trash talking....as in is the bar ready for another bitch slap?!!!!!!! Yes....you'll all recall...I did try to put down a hellatious bitch slap last round....apparently, only in the MBE's, this time, though....they just don't know 'bout me.....I'm so coming for their ass....

And because I love the contemporary (you go Beyonce) and the classic....I want to leave you with some of my favorites on courage and perserverence....both of which everybody who takes the bar (again) are in no short supply of....you all go kick serious ass.....

Courage is being scared to death - but saddling up anyway.
---John Wayne (1907 - 1979)

Courage and perseverance have a magical talisman, before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish into air.
---John Quincy Adams (1767 - 1848)

Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any one thing.
---Abraham Lincoln (1809 - 1865)

---- You always pass failure on the way to success. -------

Since it's President's day....

2007-02-19T10:41:00.000-05:00

Did ya know that DC will take your MBE's even you haven't passed in your jurisdiction? It's pretty commonly known that you can waive in when you pass the bar...but you can waive in with merely passing MBE's too....all you have to do is sit for their essays, if you didn't pass the entire bar in your home state...I was highly pleased to discover that I could have hitched my wagon and gone to DC even after the first time I sat for the Bar so many, many moons ago....ah....well...hind sight and all that..... :)

Blast off or Blow up?

2007-02-16T17:29:00.000-05:00

T-minus 10 days and counting baby!!!!! Per usual...yes, I am excited to just get in there and get it done.....I'm not really nervous because every time I've done this walk....I've walked in knowing I have prepared to the best of my ability.....the real beauty so far is that I have managed to not completely lose all confidence in myself (or respect for my grey matter) despite the negative results...you never really know what you're made of until you've had to sit for the bar exam more than once.... (or twice....or....well, you know...) and if you haven't...well, thank goodness you were born under a lucky star sweet cheeks....

This time, I think I'm going to try and remember not to make it bigger than need be....it's a test, nothing more, nothing less....if you've had the fortitude to make it through these many months as a retaker/bar-flunkee / god love us every-one, the test itself should really be a relief....think of it that way.....I look at is as a bridge....(no, not over troubled waters)...my yellow brick road...a means to an end....a way of getting somewhere I'd like to be.....I'm not looking at it so much as the rope I'm clinging to for dear life, the one thing that will save my soul from damnation, (clearly too late for that) chase all the clouds aways and ensure that I live happily ever after....

It's a bitch...but nothing more....nothing less....

Share the love baby.....

2007-02-15T15:36:00.000-05:00

Oh my goodness......feeling so much better since the grand romantics of yesterday....and I won't bore / disgust you with the tawdry details but I will say I'm feeling renewed and able to face down my flashcards with amazing new vigor....it's true what they say about men, they are good for something....

Ladies...if you have a man...I say, use him shamelessly.....my guess is, that like mine....he won't protest, he'll be happy to aid in the study effort, "any way I can honey".....and guys, well, we all know if I was a guy I could never get away with saying anything remotely like this...what can I tell you? If you're lucky enough to have a gal who will be at your beck and call while you're feeling the bar strain....clearly you're a lucky man, so enjoy!!!!....

I have friends who say absolutely not...no lovin whatsoever before the test, too much distraction....you know like boxers before the big fight? Whatever works for you....myself....I am finding it clears the mind....and makes room for more legal trivia and such other such nonsent....mnenomics are carrying a whole new meaning lately....like....WET PAL......I know, verging on pure insanity (temporary)....

Order me a straight jacket....and a push up bra

2007-02-13T16:50:00.000-05:00

So here we are.....it's just under two weeks to go campers and I hate to say it but I think I could be teetering on the edge of burn out....

I've been studying 10 hours a day and doing 60 MBE's per sitting for more days than I can remember....simply put...its all running together lovies....and frankly....since yesterday, every time I sit down to study I find I'm horribly, madly and crazily distracted....my blog is majorly screwed....and all I really want to do is eat chocolate by the fistful and have tons and tons of steamy hot sex....

This is not the time for melt down.....I keep telling myself....even though tomorrow is a day I have set aside for highly promiscuious activity (Nat'l Day of Slut) the fact that I have gotten absoutely not done yesterday and today really means that I should not be engaging in any whooppee....I should be catching up on flashcard memorization.....not flashing....

Reasons to not melt down:

I spoke with the Bar today and believe it or not, they say they really and truly did mail my admission ticket sometime last week (thank you god!!!!!) .....they dunno know why its not here yet...
Even though I haven't been able to do any more than about 12 MBE's since Sunday....I think my grand total is still hovering somewhere in the 3K's....
Last time I was getting ready for the bar exam I didn't have anyone to have sex with....
I am a well-seasoned flunkee....the worst has already happened....and if it happens again...well, it's not like the world will stop turning....

Geek Squad?

2007-02-13T13:04:00.000-05:00

Yeah ok...so this new format is kind of whacked as hell...I have no idea what happened to the old one, it just sort of disappered on me...and I'm not really blogger savvy enough to figure it all out in the middle of bar hell....so I have to make due....

Obsess much?

2007-02-08T11:04:00.000-05:00

Women, I read, are especially good at excess rumination....you know, that innate ability to turn something over and over to the point that if anyone actually knew what we were thinking, and how often we were thinking it, they'd probably think we were psycho (or maybe it's just me).....and as much as it pains me to say....usually this occurs in the context of boyfriends / husbands.....(why oh why didn't I just get rid of that guy before the test?!!!!!)

I find during bar study it is especially difficult to deal with all the rumination, but it's probably likely that the bar stress is what brings so much of it on....I don't know if it's as true of my male counterpart-repeaters out there....would be interesting to know if the guys are struck equally by all the over-thinking......

I find my mind constantly returning to things that don't really serve my best interests at the moment....I hate to say obsessing, but yeah if I tell the truth that's probably a fair description....molehills are mountains right now......hell it seems I'm actively searching for moles!!!!....

Is my mind seeking distraction so I don't have to focus on what's really worrying me? Classic avoidance? Or is it that I'm borrowing extra trouble right because that's what we all do when we are studying for the bar? (What if I fail again and just die?) Probably both......but as is true of any bad habit you are lucky enough to actually realize you have (yep, most of them you don't know about...they just drive everyone around you nuts), the good news is that maybe you can do something about it....

Whenever I find myself rethinking....ruminating endlessly.....or obsessing......I gently remind my mind that whatever it is, surely I can just wait and see.....and then I refocus on something not so worrisome.....if you meditate at all, you'll realize this a ripped off technique....but hey, it works.....and it's calming....something we all could use a little of right now....

Burst my Bubble Baby.....

2007-02-01T16:13:00.000-05:00

2 weeks ago I informed everyone important in my life that I was entering the "Sacred Six Weeks of Bar Review".....under no circumstances is anyone to relay any info that might create upset in any shape or form because I am not having it.....you can call it whatever you want, I call it "The Bubble".....and yes, is a ridiculous attempt to control things over which I have no control....but I try to maintain the bubble nonetheless....

In case you're wondering how the bubble has been working out for me.....

I've had to take my precious tyke to the pediatrician three times in two weeks....seems the little cherub is going to need minor surgery to rid her of these persisting ear infections ....this my perfect, healthy girl who up until just a few weeks ago, has never even needed to go the Dr....(forgot to tell the germs about the bubble).....the resident stud in my life let it slip that he is coming due for relocation in 6 months (yes I told him about the bubble, but like so many men, he f-d up this very simple concept)...this of course caused a major meltdown because I am particularly smitten with this particular stud and prefer him on this side of the country, thanks---and then he had the audacity to require major back surgery earlier this week (yes, I told him to tell the doctor about the bubble, and not to f up his back because I didn't have time to deal with that right now).....to add further insult, aforesaid surgery is highly likely to decrease stud's chances of um helping me through these last hazardous weeks of review in the way that studs are often most helpful......

Yeah ok.....so most of that is terrible.....and no I don't really mean it (kindof)......but wouldn't it be great if the world would stop long enough to get through these last trying weeks.....these weeks when the pressure is really, really on? Yeah, I'll dream on.....and get something stronger than a bubble obviously.....force field maybe?

Infinite Hope.......

2007-01-25T10:45:00.000-05:00

Ah well......what can I say? I have my days.....since I threw myself such an epic bitch fest the other day.....I thought maybe I'd follow up with a little less doom and gloom eh?

I was talking with a very good friend of mine not long ago.....I mentioned to him that I was absolutely a die hard optimist, how else could I be here slugging away at this exam like I have after all the setbacks?....his response was, " Optimism is believing hope triumphs over experience".

While I'm certain that wasn't his own definition, it was new to me and I don't think I've heard anything truer is some time.....I thought maybe I'd devote a little space to hoping.....

Hope is an emotional belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life.
Hope implies a certain amount of perseverance — ie. believing that a positive outcome is possible even when there is some evidence to the contrary.
Hopefulness is somewhat different than optimism, in that hope is an emotional state, where optimism is a conclusion reached through a deliberate thought pattern which leads to a positive attitude.
But hope and optimism both can be based in unrealistic belief, or fantasy. -----Wikipedia

I'm a huge mythology fan....so I found this especially interesting....

Hope was personified in Greek mythology as Elpis. When Pandora opened Pandora's Box, she let out all the evils except one: Hope. Apparently the Greeks considered Hope to be as dangerous as all the world's evils.
But without hope to accompany all their troubles, humanity was filled with despair. It was a great relief when Pandora revisited her box and let out hope as well.
It may be worthy to note that in the story, Hope is represented as weakly leaving the box but is in effect far more potent than any of the major evils.

Hope can be "passive in the sense of a wish or a prayer" - or "active as a plan or idea, often against popular belief, with persistent, personal action to execute the plan or prove the idea. "

I know I can't hope myself a passing letter.....but I'm just as certain I'll never get that damn letter without hoping.......here's hoping we all have an active plan, with persistent personal action to acheive the goal.....

We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope-----MLK, Jr.

When the going gets tough....

2007-01-22T14:14:00.000-05:00

I cannot wait to pass this god forsaken exam....I can't even imagine what it would be like to actually get a letter in the mail saying I passed, rather than the ones I have become so accustomed to....

I wonder what it will finally feel like to not have all of this hanging over my head anymore? I wonder if I will even want to practice once I finally have that little piece of paper saying I'm allowed?

I know I'll be proud when the moment finally arrives....I hang on to that on days like today when it is grey and cold and raining and I am so sick of looking at these outlines and MBE's and flashcards that I could just hurl them all....

Several thousand Mg's of antibiotics later......

2007-01-08T15:52:00.000-05:00

So one undiagnosed sinus infection later......I am finally back in action now that I've spent roughly the duration between Christmas Eve and most of last week trying to figure out 1) why the flu and fever the doc diagnosed just wouldn't go away and 2) why was it that a stuffed up head would be so painful? I went back Thursday the doctor said gee, looks like the PA must have missed the sinus problem when you were here after Christmas....really sorry your face looks like you took a few belts....that is one serious infection....

Clearly, I've never had sinus problems and my usual motto when sick is, "you'll be over it tomorrow"....plus, I didn't want to miss prime study time....so the wind up is, I missed almost two weeks of prime time because although I felt well enough first thing in the morning to tackle about 50 MBE's or so...by 9:00 I was too beat down to move and lost the day anyway....

The moral is simple, but somehow the simple gets lost in these days leading up to the big day.... If you're sick....go to the doctor damnit! I should know better by now, everybody gets sick before this test and then freaks out about being sick and losing time.....so schedule sick time and try your best to stay healthy huh?

Spanking the Monkey

2006-12-15T12:57:00.000-05:00

So what is the most important thing to be doing while you're studying for the Bar....again? I don't know if enough info is out on that topic, since most bar reviews are aimed at first time takers....and the few reviews that do cater to re-takers are heinously overpriced.....but I know that all of us deal with that question every day.....what should I be doing to make sure I pass next time?

I've read one good book on the subject....found it on Amazon....it's called "If I don't pass the Bar I'll Die.....the thing I like about it most is that it addresses more than the substantive material....because if I've learned only one thing through this insane re-taking experience it is that you can totally shoot yourself in the foot when it comes to a test of this magnitude....

We are all incredibly nervous heading in to take that exam the first time.....but if the impossible happens and you find yourself taking it again....I think not only are you dealing with a huge test but with a little-giant monkey on your back who continually whispers in your ear .....you know the monkey.....he says loving little things like, "You failed it already, you are going to fail again."..... or "Why is this time any different?"....or my personal monkey, who says,"You're a dumb ass, bitch."....

I do think it's harder to pass after the first shot....in large part because of what we inflict on ourselves during the months leading up to the re-test.....once you've failed.....well, you feel like a failure.....you will probably question yourself, your life, your desire to practice law and maybe your entire study approach, and desperately wonder why for the love of god, WHY!!!!!? Which is the culprit?.....

It's probably good to question your approach....you do have to figure out if it was effective or not...and then you have to create new plan that gives you confidence....I know that is easy for me to write and by no means easy to implement.....it's monumental though.....it is simply no damn good to be trying to adequately prepare while second-guessing every move you make and simultaneously telling yourself you suck more than life itself.....

I say a plan that gives you confidence because it is counter-productive to create a marathon study plan you can't fulfill....( like I will do 5000 MBE's before February).....your goal should be along the lines of a solid review of testable material...quality MBE review.....good knowledge of black letter....and confidence in essay writing along with memorized approaches for essays.....if you aren't able to stick to your plan...you'll make a mess for yourself....what with the guilt and self-loathing.....so make it a do-able thing.....but comprehensive.....

What I think is paramount though, even beyond your new and improved fight plan, is that damn monkey....to succeed as a retaker I am convinced you have to spank that monkey.....and as is true in so many other areas of life....sometimes to really get good at it, you may have to spank it often....you control the monkey, he does not control you.....and if the monkey is telling you daily that you can't, you won't, or that you have good reason to believe you'll never make it....you have got to manhandle the damn thing.....seriously, beat it into submission.....

And then try something new, experiment if you need too....you can, you will, and nothing will stop you from succeeding....whatever does it for you.....just get the monkey off your back......

Dear Bar Bitch.....

2006-11-28T16:30:00.000-05:00

I get a lot of commentary here on "The Bitch"...all of which I appreciate...I sift through and make the decision to post or not to post mainly for the sake of not making the blog too insanely long....and not too mushy, even though I really do feel the love that gets sent here....cause you guys kick ass and you all know it....

A lot of common themes run through the mountain of unposted comments, so I thought I'd address a few.....and ask what you guys think too.....

What do you tell people when they ask how many times you've flunked the bar exam? Uhhhh....I tell them I've flunked it one time too many....and then I ask them how their sex life is.....frequently an even more uncomfortable silence ensues....hey, are they asking me out of concern for my welfare? or is something else going on? like they're trying make me feel like shit?

Why do you think people take time to bash people who haven't passed the bar? Oh this is a fabulous question...Fear. Plain and simple baby. Anyone who feels anything other than genuine compassion for ye who haven't passed yet, is scared out their mind. If they've already passed, then it' s some other fear, fear of not measuring up somewhere in life, because what is the Bar really except a very public ruler of measuring up to an ideal of something? A secure person understands this test for what it is...and feels no need to belittle you....

How can you be so positive all the time? Are you happy you failed? It's kind of weird. No I am not happy I failed, but I'll take it...I'm not going to curl up and die.....it's a test.... I have met people who are succeeding under conditions that are beyond anything I could even imagine....if they can do it, I can too...and if I can survive my little drama at 28...I can't think of much worse the law can throw at me later...think maybe I'll lose a case? An appeal? Boo...fucking....hoo....

I don't think it's weird to be upbeat....I used to be pretty freaking depressed, I like upbeat better...I'm not going to judge how you get through this time, should you choose a more sedate route....just thought you might like to know that there are plenty of other competent, intelligent, unlucky people out there struggling though this time in their own unique way as well....

It seems fine to blog about failing in cyberspace, but how do you really tell people you failed? Like the people you work with especially? I agree...a lot of what I do here gives me a measure of padding and that is part of why I love it so....probably best to think in advance about what it is that you'd like to tell people about how you did on the bar...if you want to tell them anything at all...maybe all you owe them is, "Nope, didn't get it this time, it was a real bitch,"....."how are you doing though?"....this is so incredibly personal....there is no good answer I can give you....but being prepared will probably make you feel better.....

Are you a hottie bar flunkie? Why don't you post a picture on "The Bitch" so we can see you? These are the ones that amuse me most....even in the middle of failing the bar exam we are still seeking some hot action....love it, really and truly....what a hoot.....

12 Weeks of Bar Review....Joy to the World!!!!

2006-11-27T13:05:00.000-05:00

I hope you actually enjoyed some turkey people!!!! and here we are again!!!!!...the 12 week countdown.....I've done it so many times now it's not even a cause for alarm anymore...and since Christmas is coming, you know I can't help myself, I have to draw the cheesy parallel...the 12 days of Christmas....and the 12 Weeks of Bar Review....and a partridge in a pear tree, (or is that oh poor me? :) )

Nah....you know what I'm doing is ruthlessly memorizing everything I can get my grubby little paws on this time (a la flash cards and my dry erase board).....and I'm knocking down a sick number of MBE's every day and then dissecting them....what could be a better way to move into the approaching season of cheer? Hah!

You know as soon as I get this NC license I'm just going to turn around, sit for VA and leave this grand old state forever? You heard it here first people..... but I swear....it has really become a point of honor now.....this thing is just not going to whip my ass....

New York, New York

2006-11-15T16:31:00.000-05:00

It would seem that some of our readers here have had some not so kick ass news concerning the New York and New Jersey Bars....take heart guys....I know for certain that your Bar is a hell of lot more competitive than mine here in NC.....my heart goes out to everyone up North who didn't get the news they were expecting.....so sorry guys....

Misery Loves Company?

2006-11-14T11:55:00.000-05:00

I think it is pretty much a given that if you are studying for the bar exam that your life will suck ass. You will have no social life, you will take no road trips, you will probably shoot no shots, not go to your best friend's bachelor's party and watch naked hooters and you might even skip New Year's Eve, Turkey Day or even Christmas if you are really old school, hard core (and really scared).

Bottom line thinking is.....there is NO TIME.....for ANYTHING.....except STUDYING.....we are SACRIFICING....to the BAR GOD, for god's sake.......and I think the mentality is that if we deviate from the plan, we might anger the Bar God, (or gods, if you're more polytheistic)...and He'll flunk your Sorry Ass if you do otherwise.....

Other kinds of mental processes we immerse ourselves in right now? Hmmmm lets see...there's the..."I can't be happy and pass mantra"....the "if I'm enjoying life I'm not putting in a solid effort" mantra....and the "if I'm not completely wiped and neurotic, snapping like a rabid animal at everyone I love and care for, there is no possible freaking way I'm prepared for this thing" mantra.....

If you're doing this all again and I"m sorry you have to, I just want you to know that I said screw it all after the first one....I got a lot happier with bar review....and you can laugh all you want 'cause no, I'm not licensed yet....but I am mere points from passing lovies...(I'm out of state for crying out loud and I did home study....cut me slack!!!!!) but I haven't been depriving myself like I did in the past...and you know what?....my scores have only gotten better.....

I do study like it's a job....8-6....but I take off on the weekends....and I'm treated to ridiculous treats and sexual favors when I remember what's on the back of my flashcards (get a guy who really means it when he says he wants to help!!!!!)....it doesn't all have to be misery.....go get some company.....and maybe some purple hooter shooters?

Grey's Anatomy Anyone?

2006-10-30T09:54:00.000-05:00

It's a first!!!!!, not only has a story like mine reached Grey's Anatomy, (well, sort of, I'm not holding my hand over any stoves, but it goes to show that some truth is stranger than fiction huh?)....I have officially received my first-ever "you're a whiny bitch" comment....I admit, I was shocked, stunned, taken aback, a bit hurt and frankly, a little puzzled....I have to say that when I first started here it was with some trepidation....I figured I'd get all kinds of "you suck" comments since I was sharing something so personal and in doing so, making myself kind of an easy target....

....no one was more surprised than me by all the positive feedback I got instead....since I've been at this for quite a while now without incident, I guess I just figured that the people who wanted to throw stones weren't going to do it here (I guess they all stayed over on The Uncivil Litigator?).... I admit, I decided to mark this milestone for a few of my own selfish reasons, but it occurs to me that if you've failed the bar exam, chances are you too will deal with people who judge you, assume the worst about your intelligence and attack your attempts to pick yourself up and keep on going....

The blog is therapy for me...really and truly....when I first went to see a therapist after failing, one of his suggestions was that I learn how to stop being so ashamed....dealing with failure is something that none of us want any experience in....when I started to figure out that sharing this bar experience with anyone who asked about the bar...."Um nope, I didn't pass, but mainly it's my pride that hurts." and smiling, instead of acting like I had an STD or something, my life started to get better....so I'm not making excuses about why I'm here....

I espouse anything that makes you feel better right now....as long it doesn't hurt anybody else, it's not self-destructive and it's legal....this is what I do---I write....

I was kind of surprised that anyone would take the time to write and tell me that I should just "get over it" (the bar I guess)....and here was the killer, that I should just "suck it up"....probably that one little statement is what set me off....I lived for almost 6 years with a sadist prick of husband who loved nothing better than to make me cry, and scream at me to "suck it up" when I finally did....

The beauty of my life now is that I don't have to anymore.... I don't have to "suck anything up", but I do place a very high value on standing up for myself these days, probably because I was so bad at it for so long....I have learned that people like my ex abuse and demean people mainly because they have so very little self-worth of their own.... the only way they feel superior is by making others inferior, abusive people have to get their power from somewhere....

Try and remember that when people have snotty comments about your not passing or look down on you because you took it more than once...ask yourself what kind of a person kicks someone else when they're down? What is wrong with this person that they feel good you failed? Are they really just scared shitless that it could happen to them too? You be the graceful one love and if none of that helps, realize that they are probably lousy in the sack, mean people usually are....

Does the Dalai Lama know about Failing the Bar Exam?

2006-10-24T10:32:00.000-04:00

The Dalai Lama has this to say for 2006, some of it very relevant for a perpetual bar exam taker I think:

Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risks.

When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

Three R's: Respect for self, Respect for others and Responsibility for all of your actions.

Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

Don't let a little dispute ruin a great relationship.

When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

Spend some time alone every day.

Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.

A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.

Share your knowledge. It is a way to achieve immortality.

Be gentle with the earth.

Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.

Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for one another exceeds your need for each other.

Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

I take wisdom wherever I find it, (for me that is pretty much daily)...I thought some of this especially relevant, because I've forgotten some of this during this process and because I get so many comments that relate.....

My favorite is the line about not losing the lesson....what have you learned since you failed the test? Are you stronger or still wallowing? (not that you shouldn't spend some time feeling bad....I know it sucks) Some of my personal heroes teach that you have to make every situation in life serve you....if you haven't figured out a way to make this time do that, think about it....I'm not saying something cheesy about "making lemonade", I am saying don't you dare let this experience beat you down, because we are all greater than that....

The Dreams that you Dream will come True....

2006-10-23T10:43:00.000-04:00

Nope....I haven't dropped off the face of the earth....nor have a I hanged myself out of bar grief or drunk myself into oblivion over my latest set of scores (well actually I did do that, but not within the past two weeks).....took off for sunny FL for a couple of weeks and forgot to post beforehand to say I'd be MIA.....

The Magic Kingdom was so the ticket!!!! To everyone who is getting ready to knuckle down (again) I highly suggest a week with The Mouse before jumping back in....it will do wonders for your morale....besides, I haven't even thought the Bar for almost two solid weeks.....isn't that a beautiful thing? Like all the cheesy commercials.....priceless.......

But now I'm back and ready to do battle.....that's right campers it's time to start kicking more bar exam ass.....is it too soon to study for February? My thought is absolutely not......

Myself, I am still unsure how I managed to not make this last cut....The Study Group tells me that I "passed" the essay portion of the test.....so I don't need to retake with them (which is pretty decent when you think about it, they said don't spend more money) ....to focus more on the MBE....I had already been thinking that, but honestly...how high an MBE do you need here in NC? But you see the problem with this line of thinking is....it is a waste of time.....it really doesn't matter....it is an emotional drain to spend so much time on the "why me's?" and the "bar is so unfair" or even "life is so unfair"....even when it's true, it doesn't get you anywhere but down......

Bottom line is....they can't screw with the MBE score....or "scale" it (at least not like they scale the essays, I don't think they take points from you on the MBE, but maybe they do?) ......which is why it is not too early to start.....25 MBE's a day, with quality reflection on the right / wrong answers seems a good place to start.....get the percentages up in the 80's....why not? We've got nothing but time......

Hey Bar Bitch...Quit your Bitchin'

2006-09-25T16:21:00.000-04:00

I think most of you probably guessed that I really buy very heavily into the idea of karma....which is not to say that I try to do good simply because I am hoping for cosmic pay off....but if you look at the world in this way I think you'll begin to see that your life is forever altered...

In spite of the bar, I am still at peace (take that you bitch)....but, I will tell you the truth...today I was feeling a little sorry for myself.... my boss is having open heart surgery and because of my lackluster performance on this last test I can't take care of the business myself for the next three months while he recuperates.... and our two biggest clients pulled out when they found out I hadn't got the license.....(umm yes, I do feel guilty...it's my nature) I had a fabulous second date lined up for the weekend....and for reasons still unbeknownst to me he pulled the absolute worst guy move in the book.....he no-showed....since he called twice last week to confirm, I am still bewildered over it all....

So here I am...wallowing in bar-bitchy, self-pity....and this is what the universe sent me my loves....just in case you didn't read it in the comment section:

This is a great blog site and I am so glad I found it! For a change, I could smile about my own feelings of do it again until it is done. I have a positive attitude, work in court every day handling cases, and I know I can practice law - I will conquer the exam.

I would like advice on better material for 2/2007 Florida. Like yourself, I have endured many obstacles. My fiance, his mother and our dog - all died from cancer after graduation from law school. None of knew about the cancer in each case until it was too late. I was devastated and I walked away from the bar exam. I could not get the nightmares out of my head and guilt about studying all those years. I learned how to live again(went to a grief specialist and a test anxiety specialist) and a few years later back to the exam.

I also met a great guy, remarried, and he is presently Army deployed. So while sitting for bar exams, I have worked full time by day and study at night. I also sat for the Real Estate Exam, passed the school exam and am getting ready to sit for the State exam. Since I do not yet have my bar license, the part time rental properties we own make up for the lower salary I make as a law clerk for a government agency. That's OK - at least I have a great job.

My heart goes out to those who have passed and no work or not passed and work in jobs they hate. I have heard people make snide comments that they would "die" if they did not pass and I always respond as follows - I have cared for loved ones and seen them die on life support battled the nightmares and won.

Nothing can possibly make me want to die, especially a test!!!! I thank God everyday for what I have.

Here is my frustration > Florida changed the score requirements from 131 to 136. That may not sound like much but that is my obstacle. I would have passed under the old requirement of 131. I have hit the 131-135 range.

My question now is what do I do to make my property and contract MBE question scores higher to hit 136? I have tried BrBri, PMBR and Micromash. I am considering a whole new program since these did not work effectively for me.

Is there a suggestion from anyone who is retaking the bar or from others who have managed to get over this hurdle? If so I would love to hear from you or someone who knows someone who has finally hit that pot of gold! In the meanwhile, I would love to also chat with others who are dealing with our exam challenges.

Love and peace to all -Kathy 5:02 PM, September 24, 2006

Kathy----

I am awe inspired by you....when I read your post I'm not ashamed to say that I had tears rolling down my face....when I started this blog I felt so alone and so hopeless....and I thought, there must be others out there like me and maybe I could change that for some of us....today is one of the days I feel like maybe what we do here touches lives in some small way and for that I'm beyond grateful...

Thank you for such an amazing story....I've not dealt with even a tenth of what you have in your life...and yet here you are and you are so full of grace....I know everybody here wishes you the very best sweetie---

For Anyone Else Who Still Hasn't Passed the Bar....

2006-09-20T09:41:00.000-04:00

I want to say a little something for anyone else who has failed the bar exam.....mainly because I've failed it myself.....(many times, but please don't let that freak you out--please read the blog, it is highly unlikely you have circumstances as unusual as mine).

....and no.....I haven't passed it yet.....but I know I will....because I know I won't quit trying.

I'm sorry you've failed.....I understand how you feel....I understand that you can't sleep at night....I understand that you feel ok until you wake up and remember again that you've failed and you feel sick all over again......that you probably can't eat....that you can't face the people that you love...that you really can't face people you fucking hate....and that you feel like you want to hide from the world.....I know how hopeless you feel....I know how crushed you feel.....

I promise that eventually the feelings fade....I've pushed through them myself and actually smile these days... but I've been dealing with all this for quite a while obviously....and I don't wish that for any of you...but I want you to at least know you aren't alone with these kinds of feelings.... (of course maybe I was alone in feeling this way---in which case, chalk me up to being a basket case and caveat emptor in blog reading, such and so forth)

We who are groomed to be the absolute best are not much accustomed to failure....and it is brutal when we fail.....oh god....it is so very brutal.....

But.....having been where you've been.....and having failed more than once (and survived)....I've realized that self worth really has nothing to do with this test....I've found that I'm ok with the failure and I don't fear it so much any more.....

Being fearless is a good thing....I promise....sometimes we have to use the things we are given....

Who Failed the Bar Exam?

2006-09-20T09:12:00.000-04:00

Honestly I thought when I came back here for my last posting it would be utterly euphoric.....but I can't say that it is.

I didn't pass.

I am still not sure how that is possible but it's true. I"ve been waiting to write till the bar saw fit to finally release my scores.....apparently the record number of cheating at this last exam meant they had to seal results and such.......

I brought my MBE's back up to semi-whopping proportions....posting a scaled 155 my lovies.....but somehow in the world of NC essay scaling I am just not able to dance the dance.....don't really know why....this exam didn't seem so hard.....except for that insane civ pro question I totally screwed the pooch on.....

The way I see it....these last two tests I've failed by the skin of my teeth....which hurts yes....but hell....if I keep raising that MBE score....they'll have no choice but to let me in yes? Dirty bastards.....

Who's Your Bitch Now?

2006-07-27T20:24:00.000-04:00

The big days have come and gone.....I hope every one feels huge relief that its over!!!!! Especially the retakers, much love you guys!!!!! If you were in NC and in the laptop room you saw no doubt that things went exactly as expected....complete and utter chaos!!!! I hope that did not slow your roll!!!!

If any of you noticed the one applicant at the entire NC bar exam without a laminated bar ID card hanging around her neck....that was your friendly neighborhood bar bitch!!!!!.....that's right....the bar fucked it up (surprise, surprise) could not find my admit ticket upon check-in ( they found it forty five minutes later) and finally determined that by inadvertance they had no pre-prepared ID for me....of course you know that applicants are not allowed in and out of the testing facility without any bar ID....I had to have special escort in and out of the test and every time we came back from lunch etc, etc I was pretty much put up against the wall for a frisk b/c of lack of bar id....it was too funny.....and utterly hilarious that the proctors all knew me personally....how is that for a bar exam huh?

Oh...and the "after the test" didn't go half bad either.....let's say it was a well deserved reward for this girl.....the accountant was indeed extremely hot and extremely lovely....

We all made it!!!! I can't wait to see everybody's good news!!!!!

Ready for a Bitch Slap?

2006-07-23T13:48:00.000-04:00

This is it.....almost the end for us all.....I took off Friday, so I'm still doing a little bit of studying today, but nothing nail biting or stressful....

I hope everybody is feeling solid...that's my wish for everyone....to walk into that test feeling that you have done as much as you could possibly do....and be proud of that....I know for me at least that regardless of the result, it means a hell of a lot that you can be proud of the amount of work you've put in just to get where you are right now....the fact that you are sitting for a professional licensing exam is something extraordinary.....(the fact I'm sitting a fourth time says I'm exceptionally extraordinary right????)

Your mental game is everything loves....a few more pieces of advice if I may? If you've heard all this before....well just humor me....

If you haven't been there on Tuesday...lemme tell you...it resembles a cattle herd.... and everybody looks like they're about to be slaughtered...for the love of god, if you get there early.....don't go stand in the herd....is there anything that will make you feel worse? Stay in your car and listen to something that pumps your ass up....I listen to Rocky....
Don't keep going over your outlines on Tuesday morning....if you don't know it then....ummm yeah you are screwed (no one on this blog!!!!)....unless you have a photo-memory.....
Don't talk to people about how collectively nervous / screwed / worried / and basically certain you are that you will all fail ..... come on!!!!..... if I can still go to this test with a good attitude so can you......
Try not to listen to the people who will be talking that way....and be certain that they will...this will just freak you the hell out......now if you doubt me at all (three time flunkee that I am) ...try to remember that I was once a SAT and LSAT instructor and I have been around the blocks a few times when it comes to test-taking psychology....don't buy into group phobia madness....
Just smile when the scizzzo behind you wants to talk about "what you argued" for number 3....., it is too damn late now brother......why get either of you upset? and don't check your notes at lunch either, unless its to bone up on the six subjects you will have after lunch....for the same reason....hell, I highly suggest not checking your notes till after day 2...no need to get worried till after the MBE.....why hamper your performance?
Be nice to whoever is sitting at your table.....it might be me!!!!!

If you're scared.....say you're scared.....

2006-07-20T12:35:00.000-04:00

Since we're getting close....but still not so close that you can't do something about it....I'm thinking today is a good day to talk about being afraid....since I started this quest for the all holy grail and found out today there is a record number of us this summer here in NC (over 1100!!!) I have had much time to reflect on all the time I've wasted being afraid.....

mostly in the beginning I was afraid of failing.....afraid of having to tell my family....my boss, who believe or not I love like a father....and the people who asked every freakin day....that was mostly ego....I am a star....I was a top performer in my small town, people here know me by name and they are not used to me not being the best of the best, even all these years later.....so yes I was fearful.....

Mostly, I was afraid of what I would tell myself if this test told me that I was not good enough.....and then as you know....it happened.....and I'm not writing this because I want all of you to start asking yourself gut-wrenching questions at this juncture.....

I'm writing because I don't want it to happen to anyone else....You remember that this test has absolutely no bearing on your worth as a person or your intelligence....that was one of hugest stumbling blocks for me along the way......try not be fearful and don't make it bigger than it is....

And if at all possible....ask yourself what are you still feeling afraid of? Monsters with a face stop being scary..... if there are any topics that you are thinking....if they ask something on that, I'm screwed ......why don't you at least write it down...and try to spend some time figuring it out when you can? You'll feel better...we all tend to ignore the things we don't understand and that in turn tends to make us feel more anxious.....if you make that list, it will probably be short and your "scary things" will at least have a face.... the point is to reduce as much anxiety as possible before the test....

Some like it hot......

2006-07-17T17:33:00.000-04:00

Anybody wanna share some of their weird pre-bar rituals? I know you have them....I think we are alot like pro-athletes in this regard....cause really, its what we are....pro-mental athletes...or really....dorks......right?

Like for me....my super obsessive rituals lead me to the need to do the same things every day while I study....and I do mean the exact same.....same exercise rountine.....same Mt. Dew and bag of chips (yes I do see the irony there) ...don't get me started on how crushing it is that they seem to discontinued the Lay's Dill Chips I nosh on every morning at 8:05 am.....I actually have the lady at the Red Apple checking into it for me....(see I'm just so cute and pert like that... people just want to help me in my bizarre quests....that and I think she thinks I'm preggars....who the hells else would eat soda and chips for breakfast every morning for six weeks straight?)

And then there is my sunny porch....I picked a new study area for exam four....I figured since I failed the other tests, a change of scenery would do me good.....I've got water on three sides....lacy curtains....the great outdoors.....windchimes.....and it is so beautiful in the morning I think that there is no way I won't pass this test, such serenity.....but before you start to puke.....by the time 2:30 rolls around, I tell you if I had nuts, I'd have sweated them off by now..... even so, I somehow I cannot move myself from this place.....it's my study place....it's hallowed ground....and the truth is I am somehow afraid to change it up now....I see the lunacy even while I type the words people...but I'm taking the bar exam.....and yes I'm a little nuts.....

Little things mean a lot.....

2006-07-16T17:10:00.000-04:00

The memory work is going fairly well on my end.....I'm into my second round of memorizing my little florescent yellow flashcards....so pretty much I sit at a table from 8:30 in the morning till 5:30 at night and write and rewrite these rules....in the hopes that I will be able to summon them during crunch time.....I take off an hour for dinner and then hop back to it till 10:30....this is really the only week I've done things so extreme.....but no pain....no gain, baby cakes.....

I do feel guilty about all the time I spend on this bar crap if you can believe it, probably not if you don't have kids....but my own little munchkin is now four and believes my "job" is taking the "barbazaam"......she is slightly bewildered about the little yellow cards....but really likes the smiley faces I can draw on the dry erase board when she comes for intermittent visits to the porch where I study all day.... ummm yes.....I do have a sitter before you call DSS for TPR ok?

In spite of all the memorization, and lovely little yellow cards....I am resigned to the fact that some of it will still fly right of my head....oh the pressure of it all.....I will fight the urge to write really ridiculous commentary on my essay instead.....last test I think I wrote that when the atty is unsure....it is always best to check the statute for clarification.....my own way of quietly lashing out at a bar that actually thinks it ok to expect that we have all the rules of civil procedure in our heads by number.....in my world.....as long as you know how to find it....you're golden.....

Even so.....no matter what one or two minor things we manage to forget come essay day.....that is what this final week of prep time is all about....it is super short term memory week baby....the best time to be filling your sponge-like brain full of things that you will have absolutely no recollection of in two weeks time.....this is prime time to be going over the things that you miss on MBE's, looking over outlines in each subject, and of course memorizing your black letter along with whatever approaches you might use for essays....you will amaze yourself with how much you retain this week....I know this for certain....I've done it a few times..... :)

what I didn't know for certain....is when my baby girl took two handfuls of my sports bra tonight and said....mommy.....am I going to have these things too?.....was what exactly was the appropriate response? yes.....little things mean a lot....comic relief during bar prep....priceless.....

Still no ticket......

2006-07-15T22:00:00.000-04:00

Hopefully.....in another few days....this will be worthless and idle concern....but as of today....my ticket is still not here.....and yes.....even I am starting to worry.....why the hell isn't it here? And why the hell does the state bar not have their little duckies in a row enough that they get those damn things out sooner than one week before the gdmf'n test? Sorry....even I get a little bit of drama queeny at times....this is just ticking me off.....hard core.....supposing there is a little bit of touble with a certain applicant's application....they couldn't possibly have waited this long to let me know that? I have been thinking all this time that since I'd heard nothing....that that was most likely good news.....but since every day this week has rolled by with a gaping empty mail box.....I'm starting to not feel quite so positive.....I can handle most everything about this test.....except for not being allowed to take it.....

I'm afraid to ask.....but my NC peeps.....if any of you are lurking about.....who's got a ticket? When did you get it? I saw on the website they would be mailed "no earlier than the week of the 10th"....if anyone can shed some light on that.....I'd just love to know about it......who writes for these idiots anyway? Is it too much to ask they just post the date they mail the damn things....oh well.....back to the books.....no good to worry about this now.....really can't do anything but plan my speech for first thing Monday morning.....

Umm yes......I realize you are a complete incompetant and total jackass......but you have my entire future in my hands......so I will pretend to be nice to you.....at least till we find out why there is no admission ticket in my hot little hands.....now did you forget to mail it or what? (kind of like last time when you made me pay for double copies of my Fl driving record, costing me 50 bucks....when it turned out you had the damn thing the whole time and just didn't "see it"?)

Ummm nope....that won't work......

How 'bout....hey stupid.....where's my f'n ticket?!!!!!!! Stop giving me extra shit to worry about right now!!!!!!

yeah......that just about covers it.......

Really, I'm not this much of an ass....just feeling a little bit anxious at the moment.....

Semper Fi Bitch!!!!!!!

2006-07-13T22:18:00.000-04:00

I'm still waiting for my admission ticket to the big dance.....they are notoriously slow here in NC....and it is quite possible that instead of getting my ticket what they will send instead in something along the lines of a letter that says....no dice....you cannot sit for the test blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah....I've gotten two of those letters so far.....and they usually send them at the lost possible minute....because I've noticed that just like practicing law "in the real world"....the bar "in the real world" does not work like you'd expect either.....

The actual bar exam doesn't really go that smoothly either.....it runs late and everybody seems confused mostly....and I'm not talking about the test takers either.....during my second bar exam they ran out of scrap paper....they distributed it to half the room and then said.....oh sorry.....you'll just have to do without have they heard of equal protection I'm screaming?.....now granted....I was in the half that had paper....but I felt incredibly guilty.....I gave half my paper back.....

During exam three the bar decided that we would not be allowed to bring our own pens, pencils or blackberries, cell phones or timing devices....who in the hell could have ever believed that meant they would confiscate wrist watches? But yes, believe it or not....the proctors really and truly did.....and some of us poor smucks had the misfortune to be sitting with our backs to the walls where the only clocks were and almost a football field away...something I still blame part of my more lackluster MBE performance on this last exam on....I was just not used to not having my little clock right there in front of me....not good when your game gets thrown off you know?

But all this is what brings me to my little piece of exam advice for today.....which is that no matter what the hell happened to me during any of my exams....and believe me...some whack shit has.....(refer to my earlier experience with exam 1 where my laptop went completely white and I handwrote.....) there really is no excuse good enough for losing your edge.....you have to go in with blinders....and if you , (or I ) are in such a pansy-ass state right now that losing your watch on test day is going to screw you up....well Houston.....we've got a problem..... I guess what I'm saying here is that you really do have to be prepared for any kind of bizarre circumstance......it probably will happen.......

I had an exam where people bitched and moaned about the lighting.....when I came back from lunch they had set up lighting like they have on the highway at night.....I kid you not.......and then there was the test with the running man.....dude ran to and from the bathroom....and I mean booked ass, arms flailing and shoes pounding, and of course I had table shaker eraser guy, and really, really old lawyer to my right who couldn't use his Soft-pro and got into heated debate with Soft-pro technician in middle of exam.....most of this stuff is funny now....but it wasn't to the people who were wringing their hands and cursing at the time they were soooooo upset by it all.....

I can't tell you how many people I see at these tests in tears on cell phones.....don't let that be you....know ahead of time that craziness will happen.....and don't be suprised by it......and keep your fingers crossed they send me my damned ticket huh? I want to be there.....I will not be crying......I'll be doing the victory dance baby!!!!!!

Unconditional Joy and the CIA......

2006-07-11T22:27:00.000-04:00

Do you have a source of unconditional bar joy? If not....get one..... this is the time for it....luckily....mine has reappeared, even though I thought I'd lost him forever....I found him during my last go around with the bar.....and he is pure bar genius....I am still completely baffled as to why he wound up having to sit for this silly test again....but I am convinced that it may be ridiculously hard to pass the bar in CA....I have lost track of the phonom's I've met in the virtual world that are still fighting that damn thing......

I think there may be well over 100 emails in my inbox from just before the last test and I know I sent as many....my bar buddy and I emailed with such ridiculous zest.....we emailed the night before the test....right after the test, during the test if we'd gotten away with it....and so on.....the point is that we propped each other up so hard core....that it almost made the test bearable.....and when I got that shitty letter....I think that was the first email I sent.....

It's good to have someone you can whine about the test to...and if the someone is virtual and anonyomous.....it may be even better.....I don't even know who the hell my bar buddy is.....besides the fact he is one cool ass dude that I call CIA.....you need to have something that still makes you smile right now.....

I've already Got a job Damnit!!!!!!

2006-07-10T18:20:00.000-04:00

Ah.....so my mom was talking today about what sort of jobs I should start looking for....(just in case I fail again)......a great test of will for me....because of course what I really want to do is clobber her for even speaking such a thing.....but what the hell....I"m in the zone....and nobody is gonna fuck with me at the moment......

A few days back my dad was on the band wagon....he was good enough to mention that I have "never worked a real job".....apparently all the part time jobs I've held don't count, even when I was holding down two at a time and going to school full time......because they weren't "full time" and the fact that I have two degrees is apparently worth jack as well....I came very close to telling him about the stint I spent as an exotic dancer in law school...but at the last minute I held out....only because I didn't have time.....but I was so very f'n close.....

The point of all this? Well these are really not the things we want to hear mere days before facing down this bitch of a test.....but no doubt.....if you are a retaker....you will probably hear all kinds of worthless shit....maybe even from people who love you.....they may not mean it....or maybe they do.....my soon to be ex is really good at saying all kinds of worthless things (you've already taken the test before, why do you have to study again?).....be prepared for all kinds of heartless remarks and the effect they may have on you.....for some reason right now they will feel like the making or breaking of you.....and try to have sex often if you can.....I think it will help.....

As God as my Witness.....I'll never fear the Bar Again!!!!!!

2006-07-09T21:49:00.000-04:00

Is anxiety starting to set in? For me not so much.....I'm ready to face this thing down again.....I need to.....it's for sure like getting back on the horse.....that doesn't mean I don't have jitters.....everybody probably does.....but I'm determined to not let them get in my way this time....

Signs that I'm not coming so unglued this test.....I'm showing vast improvement.....even since my last sitting.....I am singing in the car, instead of white knuckling from point A to point B....I'm making jokes about how many times I've failed the bar....and saying that I've become damn good at it....so either way I'm prepared.....and the truth is I mean it....I'm ok with either outcome....which is not to say I have not worked exceptionally hard for a better outcome this go round.....I just realize that even the best laid plans sometimes go awry.......

I want this licence.....is it because I have a burning desire to practice law? Probably not so much at this point.....that very well may change.....but I am certainly not pleased that so far....I simply cannot practice.....that just doesn't comport with who I am....and what I know myself to be capable of....this has really become a personal journey for me.....and I'm not especially thrilled that it had to happen but at the same time I think I'm glad it did....because I'll never be afraid again.....I will never worry, what if I don't make it.....because I know now.....you pick up....you keep going.....and you are so much stronger, more determined and should I even admit it? ....humbled for the experience......I know, enough already...... I have more cards to memorize too......

T-minus Two Weeks Bitch!!!!!!!

2006-07-07T10:00:00.000-04:00

Ahhhhh.....today is my last day of essay question topic writing....all told I've probably done about 16-18 topics.....even though we've got 12 essays here in lovely NC...when you figure that Criminal Law is really two subjects....and so is the UCC...and Property is really two subjects....it just goes on and on...doesn't it?

Figure about 10 questions per topic.....so I've done a boat load of essays.....very soothing really...hah! .....weird thing is since I did them all last exam.....a lot of them seemed familiar.....of course most of them I still couldn't remember the rules for.....but that is what the next two weeks are for....that's right campers.....it is time for memorization !!!!! Two lovely weeks.......

I already have my prepared rule cards from last test.....plus a new set of cards I got only for MBE topics cause I felt I could brush up on those a bit....and I will be doing nothing but memorizing from here on out......I do two topics daily.....for 6 days.....which totals my 12 Essay Subjects..... and then next week I will do exactly the same thing....plus look over all my outlines....keep doing MBE's......and do one last set of practice essays

And this is my own special technique....which I will pull teeth if you steal and sell....cause I'm gonna write a book on this once I pass (The Bar Exam is A Bitch , but I passed on my 4th Try) ..... I use a dry erase board.....and write these rule statements....over and over and over.....you have to practice......and they have to be at your fingertips.....

This morning I had a crying jag.....just about the right time for my emotions to start going nutty I'd say.....so I cried.....pressure anyone?

4 Weeks Bitch!!!!! (give or take!!!!)

2006-06-27T17:48:00.000-04:00

Oh the joy of essay writing.....at least this time around I have the peace of mind of knowing a little bit of what to expect.....for those of you who may be reading and have never taken an actual bar exam before.....I have a few pieces of advice that may make you breathe a little easier......take it (or leave it) from someone who has done this way too many times....

You absolutely need to be prepared to face the fact that no matter how many questions you do in preparation for the exam (and I am really very certain this is the best way to prepare for this part)....there will be a question you will have no f******g clue about....as long as you are ready for that....and ready to not be freaked out by it...you will be infinitely more prepared....your bar review will talk about the need to "make up" law when you don't know it.....this is where you need that skill, as well as the ability to not think "oh my god, oh my god, oh my god" ....I did about 15 practice essays per topic last time....that is really plenty.....and memorized mad black letter law.....there was still a civ pro question I was unfamiliar with when test time came.....but....because I had done so many practice questions....I was at least familiar enough to make a good guess.....I got a 6/10 on the question and did not even know what I was talking about.....
You do really have to memorize simple rules of law and have them down stone cold...this will give you so much confidence going into the test.....I usually practice my essay questions before and after I memorize my rule statements.....you will be shocked how many more essay questions you can answer after you've memorized your black letter.
Become at peace with the mantra......"You cannot know it all...." funny thing is that the more you embrace that.....the more you will begin to remember.....but be sure you at least know the big stuff...all the elements in a tort.....all the elements in a crime....

So far I've knocked out 4 of my 12 essay subjects...... tomorrow I'm starting on subject number 5....I've been trying to stick to my 33 MBE's per day....the deal is to practice 33 per hour....that's pretty close to test conditions.....and then write up the missed ones.....I'm keeping them on index cards with rings....easier to keep up with....I'm such a freak I know.....

Confucius and Dr. Suess Say....

2006-06-20T20:24:00.000-04:00

In case you haven't noticed....I am an eternal optimist.....no doubt it is the stuff that has carried me so far in life....and made it so I have not yet lost my mind over sitting for the bar.....yet again....of course by now I have come to realize that "this too shall pass"....and aren't are I damned lucky to even be able to sit for this bitch of a test in the fine state of North Carolina? Think how many people will never even get to try.....

One of the things that really gets me through is quotes.... I love them....and find them everywhere......movies, books, fortune cookies, even my baby girl's Dr. Suess..... I know you have them.....we all have them.... so fess up!!!!! I hope people will post some kick ass bar motivation for us all here.....

Some of my personal favorites.....

Our greatest glory is not in never falling,
but in rising every time we fall. (or fail....)
- Confucius

My downfall raises me to great heights.
- Napoleon Bonaparte

When we begin to take our failures non-seriously,
it means we are ceasing to be afraid of them.
It is of immense importance to learn to laugh
at ourselves.

- K. Mansfield

A lot of successful people are risk-takers.
Unless you're willing to do that--to have a go (or three or four)
fail miserably, and have another go, (or three or four)
Success won't happen.
- P. Adams

I highly suggest everyone go out and buy a copy of Dr. Suess' Oh, the Places You'll Go.....it was clearly written for anyone who is taking the bar exam....I came across it not long ago and it made me weep openly.....not that I want any of you weep openly....but it's beautiful stuff....and it's Suess....something we all need right now.....about moving mountains.....what could be more relevant?

A lot more Action.....

2006-06-18T16:28:00.000-04:00

Oh this past week was a killer...got my first 600 MBE's knocked out, sorry for the sporadic posting... this coming week I'm ready to start doing the daily MBE's more for timing and in weak areas...I'm also moving into essay writing this week....

I do one subject per day and write essays on that subject for about four hours....I keep the essays for later use as far as rule retention....you know, like did I know the rule or have no freakin clue? I'll be doing this for the next three weeks....I'll switch gears and do MBE in the afternoons....what I did not last test was do the MBE in the afternoons....I'm hoping the more balanced approach will get me where I need to be....

In completely unrelated news........ dating and the bar exam....eharmony has matched me with the love of my life....(snort, I know, for all the cynics out there...) he has been sending me highly illicit emails for the past two weeks which seems to be making the studying easier....I've been officially propositioned by a married man....who called me for a grand total of three weeks before he felt moved to tell me he had a wife and two children....I do not even need to relate to you what I told him given my past history with the adulterer in my own past....and I had to tell a helicopter rescue diver to go take a swim in the deep part of the ocean and not come back (so depressing, he was built like a greek god I tell you) because he said he'd be happy to make an "exception" for me....his exception being that he doesn't date women with children....granted I haven't passed the bar yet...but I'm blonde, curvy....and witty as hell....who exactly do these men think they're dealing with? .....exception my ass.....it is possible that everyone who wrote in saying that I should abstain from dating and trying to get laid right now were completely right..... just so damned depressing....

Still Slugging it Out......

2006-06-13T17:20:00.000-04:00

Done:
1) 100 Evidence MBE's
2) Write up for missed questions

Evidence Down.....on to Torts MBE's..... 100 for tomorrow.... and then the write up....generally takes me a good five hours to do the whole thing.....this first week is the hardest for me....so much repetition.....but in the past I know what's worked for me on MBE's....it's not mindless repetition, doesn't really work unless you focus...but geez it does it take forever.....

The Plan: 6/14/06

1) 100 Tort MBE's
2) Write up

6 Weeks Bitch!!!!!!!

2006-06-11T17:10:00.000-04:00

The Plan: 6/12/ 06

1) Evidence MBE's 100

2) Evidence MBE Write up for all questions missed

Here it is, as promised, the study plan .....today marks my official 6 Week countdown.....since I'm worn out just looking at the plan for tomorrow....I'm done for today....

Forget Walking the Line....I'm Still trying to Draw it...

2006-06-10T09:05:00.000-04:00

One of the really tricky or trying things during this period....ie...bar review...which started as a 4 week period and has turned into almost two years for me....is the art treading lightly.....or insulating yourself from any possible trauma if possible....or for some...total isolation from the world (CIA....if you are still in cyberspace....I do mean you...)

I failed awfully at this the first time I took the bar....and failed the bar....second time I didn't do much better at it....I think your level of freak out-ability is probably a pretty good barometer of how lightly you are treading right now.... in other words....are you able to just let it roll baby?

In case you haven't noticed by now, I am awfully interested in all the other things that play into this test that affect passing and failing besides just being well prepared....because I know you can be smart as a freaking whip and still come up short....I don't make excuses people....but I don't beat the crap out of myself either....I just want to succeed next time......

I found out last night that my baby bro....who is on probation and sadly enough also has a habit that I will leave unamed for the moment....has skipped town....I know this because his probie officer called me.....this is one of those times that treading lightly comes to mind....and it is especially hard because it feels unnatural and selfish to me...because I talk about all these things but I am still struggling too.....

No doubt....my mom will want to talk about this for hours....but really no time for that right now, and I have to say no...... (of course this is the same mom who gave me away years and years ago.....but that is a whole different issue for another blog I think....) the point is that it is hard for some people maybe to draw lines......how do you say....don't upset me while I study for this freakin test ok?

.....for me it is still an issue my with my boss.....he wants to talk ALL THE TIME about why I haven't passed the bar yet, (he really thinks it a conspiracy because I went to school out of state bless his heart) and how the office is in FINANCIAL RUIN without me.....since that makes me feel shitty, I draw the line with him....this may sound idiotic to some of you....but for me....a huge step......this man is going to be my business partner....saying no takes nads

I feel better every time I stand up for myself....will it help me pass? I think yes....every bit of piece of mind and serenity you can give yourself while you gear up for this bitch exam is a gift you HAVE TO HAVE and you are freaking entitled to it...I am putting this in print because even though I believe these words....I still have to do some inner battle over them.....

Ok enough!!!! Go meditate or something....

The Study Machine

2006-06-09T14:21:00.000-04:00

The end of this week pretty much marks the end of substantive review for me ....starting next week I am seriously going to be revving up the study machine and kicking serious ass for the remaining six weeks heading into this test.....I think I'll keep track of my plans here on the blog from here on on out...one, because my bar idol Cali did so last time out...so I'm ripping off the idea(Cali kicks ass) and two, I think its a good way to stay accountable....

Time to start stretching the essay muscles and doing those daily MBE's.....don't confuse my tone....I am not really excited about any of this.....just really, really, determined....besides....what is the worst that could possibly happen at this point? Failing? Hah!!!!!....I think I might it recommend it!!! Good for the soul baby!!!!!! Maybe I should have shirts made for the bar exam...... repeater....and proud!!!!!!.... or not....wouldn't want to deliberately upset anybody, that's not my intention.....but the faces would be priceless wouldn't they?

Fat Ass Bar Review

2006-06-08T22:12:00.000-04:00

I decided that I was not going to sit for another exam with an ass that was a size or two wider than I wanted this time around....and for those of you who are counting....yes there have been at least three exams with a larger ass than necessary....I figure at least this way I can look really hot while I take the test yes?

I mentioned before that I popped out a kid in law school....before that I was size 6 and I slugged down Pepsi products like water and managed to maintain no problem....between the baby....law school and dealing with aforementioned cheating husband, the skinny disappeared and eating when sad, lonely, worried, or depressed snuck in....I guess I somehow thought that having a huge ass would help my situation....

And don't even get me started on bar review eating for the love of god.....what is it about stress that makes me think that eating an entire Sam's Club jar of Runt's while I studied every day was ok? Oh...and the six pack of soda chasers every day too.... I don't even know what I gained during the last go round....but it wasn't good....

What does this have to do with bar review? Alot for me....not that my butt should have anything to do with my esteem....but if you aren't taking care of yourself it is probably a damn good wake up call....I was so consumed with this exam along with the other things I've mentioned here that I stopped caring about me....it is hard to do well on something as mentally grueling as this test if you haven't got your shit together....bottom line.....why make it harder on yourself? Get all of it together....body...mind...buddha...(if you dig on that)

Since I've started this bar review I've lost 22 pounds....I've sworn off the soda....except for one in the morning cause I can't freakin live without it......and I am jogging again......I feel awesome.....I am so going after this test balls out....like a very, very good friend of mine told me once....its the only way to go....

MBE's and the Buddha.....

2006-06-07T13:29:00.000-04:00

Working though the property MBE's was great fun...snort.....it does get me thinking about all the times I've done this before.....like way back when I first started looking at MBE's and how I felt back then....in a few words....SHEER UNADULTERATED PANIC...... I remember thinking how can I be so utterly unprepared by law school to answer some multiple choice questions on stuff I did pretty well on while I was there...there is just no way I can do this!!!!!!...but after a while they got easier....

MBE's really are something in and of themselves though aren't they? As someone who personally has beat them down on at least one exam....lemme tell you what I know to be true...at least for me.....

If your Bar Review tells you that your MBE score really won't move that much....well just read the MBE saga on my blog....I moved my score a colossal amount of points (up and down) and it had nothing to do with making a mistake on the bubble sheet.....the down side to that is that much of it for me was probably plain old rote memorization which explains why I didn't kick as much ass on the MBE last exam and missed the brass ring by two points on my most recent attempt.....

I read in a book not too long ago, "I'll Die if I don't Pass the Bar Exam," that most students score less than 50% in practice MBE's right up until the final week or two before the exam...maybe you already knew that....I sure as hell didn't....and it would have made me feel so much better while I was preparing all the times before.....

I made flash cards for the questions that I missed and for the questions that got right by dumb luck....it worked.....probably because it forced me to look at the questions again....I promise eventually those MBE's make more sense....they are patterned......you just have to repeat them enough to see the pattern.....

Pay attention to your Bar Review when they tell you not to spend too much time on MBE's at the expense of your Essay prep.....here in NC....those suck ass things only count for 40%...I posted a killer score at one point on them but it was not enough to make up for my very lackluster essays.....don't keep doing MBE's because they seem "easier" to practice than those damn essays...

Alrighty......that is my buddha bar wisdom for the day......

What did we Learn in Law School?

2006-06-05T16:58:00.000-04:00

This week is Property lectures....whoo hooo...... no matter how many times I prepare for this exam I find that I still have to......you guessed it....prepare again.....and honestly, I don't think that's because I am especially non academically gifted, although some might wonder at this point....I think it really does just highlight how much of this material I for one was never exposed to at all in law school.... (I still am finding myself saying, why have I never even heard of that?) and shows me how much better able I retain when I am relaxed..... because I am still learning new things even now......

Even though I have a weekly schedule with the weeks neatly plotted, all counting down to the Big Dance, it surprises me how close we are coming already..... 7 Weeks!!!!! good god....I'm glad....the sooner the better I say.....tomorrow.....about another 100 property MBE's....happy, happy, joy,joy....yeah, this test, I am kicking MBE ass again....

Bar Zen and the Uniform Commercial Code.....

2006-05-28T17:35:00.000-04:00

Sunday's are my Monday's....even on holiday weekends...yeah it does kind of suck....I've been going after the UCC for about a week now....the only good news is that it may be getting clearer this time....which we are all hoping for....Considering I am a bar expert by now....right?

At least I can smile about all this now....I feel differently getting ready for this test than I have for all the other ones.....I was reading today on another blog....a gal who had the holy freaking hell response over spilling some rice on the table....oh my gosh!!!!I've been there sister!!!...I do so remember feeling that way during bar review.....I think there has to be something said about failure though....once it happens.....if you are able to come to terms with it....it can be a good thing....

There was a time for me when I couldn't think of anything worse than failing the bar....please don't start reminding me about my health, my cherub, my freedom (I am of course thankful for those things....) please....you know what I mean......but I have to say that on the other side of this icky bar failure....a few times now there is some strange zen liberation....I feel lighter this time around....I am still invested in passing....don't get me wrong......very much so....just not quite so.....insane about it.....

Nine Weeks and Counting.....

2006-05-26T13:27:00.000-04:00

The Study Group sends me these sunny little reminders weekly....and great pieces of advice usually....since I didn't pass the bar like they promised I would I am doing their courtesy retake...and all things aside....I have to say that is pretty big of them....my essay score on test 2 was fairly bizarre....and on test 3 my score was really a thing of beauty (remember I used TSG for test 3 only and only for writing) ....in all fairness TSG did what they said they would they would do....Technically I "passed" the essay portion of the exam this time...the writing went up exponentially....but since in NC....you don't pass until you pass it all...TSG is letting me slug it out again.....and sending their chipper little reminders.... (I really should have just stayed in FL....you know they keep your passing scores down there.... they don't make you retake any passing sections!!!!)

"If you haven't already started studying, now is the day to stop procrastinating!" Thanks guys...I'll keep that gem in mind....since I've been at this already since April that doesn't really count me....but hey.....what else you got?

Bar Exam and Booty?

2006-05-25T13:20:00.000-04:00

Not to make light of any of this hardcore studying....but as a legally separated woman....that's right campers the divorce paperwork is still not final, what can I say? Notorious husband has put me through hell and back but I still need his Tricare health insurance, I am not ashamed and I figure he owes me for not having him kicked out of the Marine Corps on adultery charges yes?.....I'm interested in what everybody thinks about dating and studying?

Is it too much drama? Or is it a much needed diversion on that one day off? I personally study six days on for about 8-10 hours and then take one personal day....my boss and soon to be business partner when I pass this bitch of a test agrees that I need this time to study...but I wonder if all bar review and no play does really make the bar bitch a dull girl...or if nothing but straight up study in fact it ensures that I will pass.....

On past Bar attempts I have not even contemplated such things.....but this time I wonder.....

The Bar Bitch is a little Slow.....

2006-05-24T14:52:00.000-04:00

Ok.....I said it first.....to everyone who has sending much love and affection to the blog...thanks so much....and I am kicking myself in the ass for not really understanding this forum enough yet to understand my choice of "moderated comments..." so sorry guys..... just didn't realize that would keep the comments completely off the page until I looked over each and every one...sorry for being a rock....the blog is here.....I DO want comments and for this to be a super fabulous place people can get support, advice and help and virtual luv....

The upside to that of course is that we don't get any na-na-na-na guys who say, I already passed the bar, what the hell is your problem? I promise to be more tech savvy in the future.... I think...

For those of you who haven't already....please stop by and visit Cali....the freakin coolest girl in the world who is in need of moral support these days....I know she is destined for greatness and I completely agree with that person who said that good karma has a way of biting you in the ass....everybody please send love to Cali over at Go West Young (wo) Man..... thanks

Bar Exam Genie in Bottle

2006-05-24T10:23:00.000-04:00

So as it turns out it was only a few points for me.....my essays went through the roof this time and in a turn of real poetic justice I got a perfect score on the Family Law essay....it was about an adulterous husband...here in North Carolina we have laws about Criminal Conversation...you can sue somebody for screwing with your spouse.... very southern, very archaic and typically much punitive damages result...... (I'd like to thank the Bar and my cheating husband for that honor......)

As it turns out I should have listened to the little voice in my head that said, "study more MBE's," even though my bar review said, "hey, those are really solid MBE scores, lets concentrate on your writing, you really can't do so much to move your MBE score any more" The point is that I knew how much I moved my MBE score between test 1 and test 2. I should have known that it could have gone right back down for test 3 and it did go down....and I have to blame myself for that.....

I have passed both sections of this exam now....so I know I have the chops.....the point is that I should have listened to myself a little bit more instead of relying on the "experts"....it is so easy to feel like an idiot once you fail this test....you start to doubt everything about yourself....your intelligence....your worth.....your future......your will to live.....

I have friends who have failed it now the first time and my heart just breaks for them....but I know, standing where I stand, a fourth time taker for the love of god, if you keep your eyes up and keep believing in you....there is much to be gained at the end of it all....

Round 3: February 2006

2006-03-29T21:29:00.000-05:00

By the time December rolled around I was feeling much better, centered and ready to start studying again. I found the most wonderful place, "Go West Young (Wo) Man" and the most wonderful people to study with while I was facing this last test.

I dropped some bucks for a personalized study program this test, one-on-one mentoring for writing since it looked like that was my problem. I went with The Study Group. And even though I failed, I would recommend those guys 1000 times over. They kick ass. They are completely available.

I studied like a machine. 6 days a week, 8 hours, 2 hour break, 3-4 hours in the evening for three months. I memorized NC blackletter for two solid weeks before the exam. I don't have my scores yet, so I don't know where I came up short. I'm still a little mystified......I thought I had covered all the bases this time, confronted all my scary monsters, studied every last goddamned thing that scared me even a little bit...... I did well over 150 essay questions and wrote them out.

And yeah, I am a little bitter. I have been drafting custody orders, deeds, legal descriptions and leases for well over a year now, I am competent for the love of god!!!! The actual practice of law is nothing like this test....but it doesn't seem to matter....

I thought when I first got my letter, I'm done with this. I'm not doing it again. But I've thought better of it. I will do this until I pass. Even if I never practice. No one is going to tell me I am "unsuccessful"..........

Round 2: July 2005

2006-03-29T20:51:00.000-05:00

Lots of people don't pass the first time........right? That became my mantra. It still hurt like hell that I was actually sitting for the test again. Somedays I found myself in stunned disbelief and just wanted to climb under the table when the subject of the bar exam came up. I thought that I might get another letter from the bar saying they'd made a mistake. Or maybe it was my boss who thought that......he had been pretty stunned too

By this point, my attorney-boss had taken to taking me along to lunches with all his attorney buddies. After I failed the exam, he still wanted to take me to the lunches, but I was so traumatized that I wanted to hide instead....(I swear, I became alot more enlightened as the process went on, I'm just trying to do justice to the way I was feeling then, which was pretty miserable. ) I was so ashamed.

I started researching the exam on-line. I had gone with MicroMash because I could do it from home. With a three year old and living in a rural area, there was just no Bar-Bri class anywhere close for me to even consider. What I didn't realize at the time was just how bad the MicroMash program was, at least for me. I had no idea how to prepare for the essays. The MM suggestion was to: Read the Outlines. There were practice questions, but the model answers were so ridiculous that I just gave up. I memorized a little bit of law, but not too much.

Where I really spent my time was on the MBE. MicroMash really is great for that because of the software. I spent the majority of my study time with there. Probably well over 3000 questions.

So after 6 weeks of full time study with MicroMash for the second time, another failure. Yup.
My MBE's went from 123 to 164. My essay scores actually went down. Which I couldn't figure out for the life of me, I actually had spent more time reading NC law before the second exam than I had before the first. Because the ways the scores are weighted, even with the huge jump in the MBE, my overall score only changed 2 points because my essays went down about 10 points.

The weeks that followed that second rejection were odd. For the first few weeks I was ok. Then I realized that I wanted to quit my job at the law office because I couldn't stand it anymore. I went back to SAT test prep tutoring. Shortly afterward I was sitting in my kitchen thinking that I needed to sweep and make a grocery list. I started crying because I didn't think I could. I realized that I had to find a counselor because things were getting seriously out of hand......

That was October. The counseling helped. Failing two bar exams is not something that anyone chooses. It was harder on me than I like to admit. Although my slack ass attitude towards test one really set me up for failure. Plus I had an awful lot of personal shit going on. Dealing with a disintegrating marriage while failing two bar exams and trying to raise a baby by yourself....well it all weighs on you.....but that's life, yes? None of things are excuses for not passing.......

Round 1: February Bar Exam 2005

2006-03-29T16:48:00.000-05:00

I'm a three time NC bar exam taker. I found out Monday that I had failed the NC bar for the third consecutive time. Ummmmm, yes, I am bitter about all of this. Ummm, no I really am not a freakin idiot. At least, I don't think I am......

I graduated in the top third of my class from UNC at Chapel Hill in 2000. I had a chance to go in state to a private NC law school but opted against it when I got a scholarship offer from a small, newly accredited law school in sunny FL. It took me four years to do law school because I had a baby in the middle and almost died. (I swear I'm not making this stuff up) Said law school revoked scholarship for not going full time during the mandatory bedrest baby-induced drama. (apparently that was in the small print that I did not read) So I popped out the kid and finished school, at night. Super Hot Marine Hubby began having a series of one night stand affairs shortly afterwards, although I didn't know about them quite yet. When I found the damning cell phone messages, I did my best to damage to his military career, had a huge fit, (completely useless) sold our home in sunny FL, packed the 24 month old, the dog, the cat and all his possessions in a moving van, and moved back to my tiny hometown in NC about three months prior to the February 2005 Bar.

I won't lie. I was heartbroken and I was pretty damned clueless about the Bar the first time around. I needed a job more than anything so I showed up on the doorstep of the only lawyer in my one horse town and convinced him I was the best thing ever. He agreed and put me straight to work. In fact he thought I was so fabulous that he decided I was indispensable and he never really got around to giving me time off to study and I never really got the balls to demand it. So I studied a little at night and figured that since I'd had a good LSAT score and been a teacher for Kaplan while in law school that I'd do okay. I was using Micromash and maybe I put in 5 hours total.

Exam 1 was a disaster. I'm sure no one is surprised by that and frankly I got what I deserved. I was so consumed with the problems in my personal life that I didn't even bother to research the exam, I just assumed that I would "get by" like I have my entire life. It didn't occur to me that the test really would give me a run for my money. That sounds completely asinine now, but the point of writing here is to tell the truth, not make up stories to make myself feel better.

By the time I sat for the exam I had already told Cheating Husband that I wanted a divorce, even though my small town attorney job was not enough to pay any kind of bills and hubby was my only source of health insurance. Probably a bad move since his lack of ability to keep it in his pants had left me with high blood pressure at age 25 and migraines serious enough for a regular neuro man. My mother insisted that dating and looking for a "new daddy" for my baby girl was what any good mother would do and I was so jacked up that I couldn't even argue with her about it. I was stressed, depressed and not really even thinking about the bar.

My laptop had a meltdown on Day One of the test. I had to handwrite as if it wasn't enough that I was vastly unprepared. The girl across the table cried and cried (I guess because my computer broke, she was such a freak....) The proctor asked for the woman who was handwriting to raise her hand about 6 times that day and everyone in the room would turn to look at me. Yeah. It was a complete disaster.

Day Two wasn't much better. I was so unfamiliar with the MBE's I had no idea how to pace. Not only did I run out of time, I decided to wait to transfer my answers till the end. You can guess how that turned out.....

In spite of all that, I was hoping against hope that the news in that letter would be good. When I read that I'd failed, part of me just collapsed. I'm still not sure if I've recovered. I was dumbfounded. I don't know that those of us who go all the way through law school are really prepared to become failures. I just wasn't. And for me, it was so public. In my hometown, everyone knew I was taking the test. I lost track of how many people I had to tell about failing. I think even the mailman was waiting for my letter to come from Raleigh.

I had posted a 316 and had needed a 346 to pass. My MBE's were dismal, a 123. The essays were off the wall, and suprisingly I had done well on half of them. I scored 8/10 on half of them but completely blown the other half, with scores as bad a 2 on a few. Very bad news indeed.

So I did the worst possible thing.....I practiced much denial, cried a whole lot, didn't buy a new bar review and figured I had failed only because I hadn't spent enough time studying.......

I charged into July 2005.......